Who Am I?
I used to be such a smug fucking married. While everyone was breaking up and losing their jobs I was totally in love and earning money. In fact I was so confident that I left my job to be self employed while Sol supported me. I was finally ready to relinquish some of my independence in the hopes of running an empire one day, and while I had a back up savings account just in case (thank fuck) it was still a big deal to give up spending money and control.
Yeah, sorry about that.
I don’t regret any of my actions. I learnt so much about myself last year, what I want, and what I can live with. I became more confident, and happy. I’m learning that confidence in a relationship is very different to confidence outside a relationship though. At least for someone that is single for the first time in their adult life at the age of 24.
As half of a couple you can be completely oblivious to the signals around you when you’re out and about. It doesn’t matter if the guy at the next table is staring, because you’re not interested anyway. There is no one to impress. It doesn’t matter if you’re being too loud. You know who you’re going home with.
As a single lady Every. Fucking. Guy. is looking at you. Whether they actually are doesn’t matter, that’s what it feels like. It’s harder to relax. People become predatory instead of just being drunk and annoying.
Despite the person I became during 2009…the person I wanted to be; one with more confidence, more friends, and slightly more interesting things to say. I feel like I need to reinvent myself again. I need to become single Kim. Just Kim. Not Kim and Sol. Just Kim.
But if I already like who I am how can I do something drastic to reinvent myself?
Do I need to throw out all of my clothes and start again? Do I really have to join a gym? Because I hate working out.
14 Responses to “Who Am I?”
I’ve struggled with this before and, while I eventually got back to “me”, it took a very long time and was a very hard road. Take it slowly. You don’t have to make drastic changes at all; all you have to do is look at the pieces of yourself and decide what to keep and what to throw away. Remember that no relationship is ever worthless. Even if it turned out badly, it had something valuable to teach. “Single Kim” and “Just Kim” are always still in there. You’re always you. Right now all you need to do is absorb your experience with Sol, learn from it, toss what you feel clashes too badly with where you want to go, then move forward. Ignore the leering boys (and girls) and give yourself time to focus on yourself. It’s not easy or short, but I promise it’s worth it and I promise you can do it.
I came here wanting to share my experience but Jaka has summed things up pretty perfectly. The one piece of advice I would add is to allow yourself to be imperfect. As odd as it may sound, you need to feel all of this in order to get past it. Bottling things up (even if you feel like to release it would show “the crazy”) is just going to lead to problems in the future.
I totally agree with the above comment. It will be tough for a little while, but amazingly there is a light at the end of the tunnel – it isn’t just a lame cliche! When I broke up with my long term boyfriend when i was 21 it was a total mind-fuck. I was messed up for a long time. Eventually though, I started doing things alone and REALLY enjoyed them. May I suggest going to the movies alone? It is a very liberating experience. Also, at some point, go on a little holiday/weekend away somewhere alone. Nothing expensive, just somewhere to read and think and eat a lot! I did both of these things about 6 months after the brea up and it was so ridiculously freeing and happy-inducing.
You are always welcome to come visit me :) We have a spare room and the weather here is fine – beaches are good too!
Sending smiles and puppies your way.
My God No!!!! Don’t join a gym!!!!!! Seriously just go for walks – when you feel stuck, blocked or confused – walk! It’ll get the blood & O2 flowing & activates the good stuff in your spinal column & you can’t help but think & feel differently. Heaps more ways of thinking will be available to you then.
You are right – it is a different type of confidence but it all draws from the same pool of confidence it just has a different focus now.
Oh, and, if you like yourself why do you need to reinvent yourself? Add to the awesome person you already are!
You don’t need to make drastic life changes darlin’!
I know it must feel like starting all over but it isn’t it’s just a different direction.. It will take time but you’ll be fine it’s very character building. Without even trying you’ll end up a new Kim at the end of all the heart break :-)
Take care of yourself xoxox
x
The break up haircut is a tradition for a reason. :)
Whatever you do (and you can come to the gym with me, if you want, that’d get me there) remember that you don’t have to decide all this NOW.
Kim will still be there, in a week, a month, a year, whenever. Instead of feeling like you have to reinvent yourself immediately, maybe just focus on being. On being OK. On being ‘in the moment’ or something that sounds somewhat less hippy-ish.
And one day, you’ll wake up, and realise, ‘oh, ok. that’s who I am now. And I am OK with that.’
Now. If only I could take my own advice. ;)
Do whatever you feel like if it makes you happy!
OK, so everything is pretty much upside down and it all kinda sucks, but getting time and space to really figure out who *you* are, what makes you happy, and where you want to be in life… it really can be the most liberating and exhilarating feeling. Surround yourself with good friends, good food, & keep busy. (gym not necessary) More power to ya!
didn’t mean to sound preachy there. I’m excited to see what direction life takes you (more tattoos? ever expanding collection of laser jewelry?)
I agree with katie- you don’t need to do anything drastic- just do things that make you feel good, whether that be getting an awesome new haircut, or just hangin’ with friends.
I know it feels kinda surreal being single again after being half of a couple for so long…I’m dealing with a similar thing. But you’ll ease into the new lifestyle, and before you know it you’ll be MORE confident than ever, because you’ll finally have reclaimed your true identity. I say that because whenever I’m single,I tend to feel more confident. Maybe it’s because there is nobody to impress, or “keep”, or maybe I’m yet to meet the right guy. Who knows? I just now that it’s a great opportunity to get back in touch with the real YOU. (not that i don’t think you were the “real you” before! I just mean you’re free from certain restraints that can sometimes come with being in a relationship, y’know?)
you need to learn how to enjoy being with yourself. what makes you happy and do only those things.
there are positives about being single. it is really the only time you can be 100% selfish. if you hate the gym, don’t go!! fuck it. life is too short to be doing things you dont enjoy.
you dont need to make any drastic life changes, changes will come with time. you just need to let it happen.
Thinking of you and wishing you well!
I always cut my hair short when I need a change. Like that’s reclaiming myself…but it somehow works.
But I think this is an internal thing. Yoga helped me when I was feeling down. Still does. Oh, and fried foods. :D
I agree with Chickie Little: Do whatever you feel like if it makes you happy!
Although when I broke up with my last boyfriend, I got a tattoo to remind myself of how loving I need to be toward myself, how awesome I am and how much the people around me love me. It helped a lot!
Hope you are doing okay deary xx
Thanks for the comment love! I know it is super hard when you’ve just broken up with someone you thought you might be with forever, but it does all get better. And I reckon just Kim is awesome! I’m excited you’re moving into 361 – I live just down the hill so I’m sure we will see much more of each other.
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