Risk of Explosion
Do you ever find yourself in such strange situations, or situations in which you’re acting different to your usual self, and it feels like you’re not actually there? Instead you’re looking at it as a bystander. Like it’s your body doing it and not you?
I’ve found myself in too many of these situations lately. Usually when I’m not entirely comfortable with where I am, or when I need to put on a persona to get through an event.
I want to be fully present in every moment, but in order to keep myself happy I try too hard to look at everything objectively. With my head and not just my heart. And it works for the most part. I’m pretty good at forcing my mind to believe I feel a certain way about something.
It means I don’t get caught up in my emotions and break down. But it also means I often push my feelings to the back.
Will they explode one day?
Will I explode one day?
5 Responses to “Risk of Explosion”
I very much understand what you’re describing here – something similar happened to me in the year following my ex leaving me and moving interstate. I felt that I was being “abstracted” from who I thought I was, and I didn’t know who or what I was turning into. I didn’t feel like I was in control, and didn’t know when this “formation” would end.
You may very well explode, one day – but it will be like how a butterfly explodes out of the chrysalis when they’re ready to fly and show their wonderful new colours to the world. And chances are, you won’t notice until after it’s happened.
–xo.
It may be because of the state of mind I’m in, but your comment is making me cry. In a good way.
Thank you xx
I understand what you are saying. I felt like that a lot a couple of years ago when I was at uni. I had a reputation for being a partying, womanizing animal which I picked up in my first year but it was not really who I was or who I wanted to be but it was just easier to keep on going down that route then try to fight it and so I often had that feeling that is not me doing but my other persona “Crumble”. It took a while to break out of that but I’m so glad I did. I don’t regret that time but I’m very glad it is over.
Feelings are tough; a lot of the time that suck big smell horse balls but other times they can be great. Happy, Sad, Love, Hate, Rage, Contentment etc all of these things can be great. You should never shy away from your feeling. I did that for a while and it led to some dark places and I don’t want to see you going there.
Hope my ramblings help
I have been feeling like I’m not present, like I’m a robot or something as well recently. I get frustrated waking up and going to bed with this listless dull feeling embracing me. I wish that when I do feel alive, I could remember that I feel like this sometimes, and take a moment to stop and think about how being alive feels.
Thanks for the post.
i remember feeling like this. it still happens, occasionally, but no where near as much as after the breakup. stay strong chicka xxx
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