With that in mind I signed up for The Reinvention Project some time last year. It was scheduled for a time far enough in the future that all I had to do was enter my email address and not think about it till after the holidays. But now the time has come and I’m not entirely sure what to expect.

There’s not a single one thing I want to fix in my life, I’d like more focus, more determination, more self belief, and less lazy. I’d like to stop falling back on unfulfilling work in offices I don’t care about and actually try. I want to stop being scared.

I’ve signed up for a number of different plans like this, but not ever one that emails you every weekday. It’s unfortunate but I really do need to be told every day what I need to be doing to help myself. Big picture goals don’t help me. I need solid deadlines, broken down tasks, something specific to work towards. I’ve written so many times on this blog about my latest ‘this is it’ moment. While those moments are rarely it in the way I’d like them to be, every it brings me closer to the person I want to be. All the little steps and changes add up and it’s only by looking back to the person I was a years ago that I can see the changes.

The first interview and assignment for my 30 day reinvention was sent through today. With it I determined the areas of my life that need the most work, and the areas of my life I’m most happy with.

The word holding it all together is confidence. I’ll gain confidence by learning new things, seeing myself with the same eyes I see others, looking after my health, and creating a working environment that is clean and spacious. I’ll get a career, or at least a job I’m invested in, when I have the confidence. It’s an odd and cruel thing that I had more confidence and found it easier to gun for opportunities when I was younger and inexperienced. I thought I knew more 7 years ago. I’ve regressed and become the scared 8 year old that didn’t want to go to school because she wasn’t THE BEST in her class at times tables.

Saturday October 15 saw people all over the world occupy their cities to let everyone know they are not just going to sit back and let the crappy economic system carry on the way it is. They gathered in solidarity for the people in New York that have been camping in parks for a month. They gathered for themselves, and more importantly they gathered for the ones that don’t have an easy time having their voice heard.

I have it easier than many, I’m white, I have a supportive family, I have enough money to live on, I live in New Zealand. I support a welfare system because I know that not everyone has had the same chances in life as I have. I support it because I know that sometimes people are made redundant and have to support their families while looking for new work. I support it because childcare is expensive. I support it because I support human rights.
I am sick of hearing people refer to benefit fraud and dole bludgers All. The. Time. Do these people know there is a fraud intellegence team in the social welfare department set up to catch this stuff? Do they know that the percentage of fraud proportional to benefits paid is just 0.10%. Do they know that 2009s $16 million dollars in benefit fraud is what NZers spend per day on impulse buys? And do they know that the amount of tax not paid by business owners with creative accounts is an insanely bigger number? Not to mention the $1.7 billion Government bail out of Canterbury Finance last year.

Have a think about what you stand for. Are people more important than money?

The oppressed are allowed once every few years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them. – Karl Marx

There is already so much crap floating around the world, and I often feel like a hypocrite for feeling that way while being a maker of plastic jewels. But it’s not about never having anything new, it’s about making purchasing decisions consciously. Getting things you love instead of things you merely like enough to snap up when they’re on sale. Choosing to get things tailored to you body and tastes and colour preferences. Supporting small business. Supporting sustainable business. Supporting people who are nice!

I have more clothes than I need. I decided not to unpack when I got back from Asia and instead find the things I need as I want to use them. Would you believe that most of what I own is still in boxes? I have a suitcase and a storage box full of clothes that I haven’t looked at in over 6 months (including the time I was away). I have guides for electronics that have long since died. I have a box of old worn shoes. Why?

Living out of a backpack for the first time really changed my views on stuff. I love stuff. But what I really love is stuff I really love.

You’re probably the same. You’re probably holding on to bad gifts and cheap impulse buys. I’m slowly downsizing my life. Gifting, reselling, swapping, and altering things I don’t love any more (or never loved). I wear the jewellery I make, and happily accept second-hand clothes. I spend money on good food now instead of splurging at my nearest chain store. And every now and then I buy something new that I fall hopelessly in love with. But not this month.

I’ve found myself in too many of these situations lately. Usually when I’m not entirely comfortable with where I am, or when I need to put on a persona to get through an event.

I want to be fully present in every moment, but in order to keep myself happy I try too hard to look at everything objectively. With my head and not just my heart. And it works for the most part. I’m pretty good at forcing my mind to believe I feel a certain way about something.
It means I don’t get caught up in my emotions and break down. But it also means I often push my feelings to the back.

Will they explode one day?

Will I explode one day?

I however am not a tortured artist. When I am tortured the creativity disappears. I need time, space, but most of all happiness to be creative. I need a fit mental state that is unburdened by destructive tendencies. When I feel bad I feel like crawling into a sheet fort and eating comfort food.

When I’m happy though, then I’m bursting with everything. I may be too busy to write, but I get hits of inspiration that leave me needing to use words. A new crush, amazing music, ridiculous times with friends when nothing is on your mind but the moment. Even the happiness of being completely comfortable and sated with my situation.

I need those days to create.

Those days are not an everyday occurrence anymore. But when they’re here they’re amazing.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I don’t regret any of my actions. I learnt so much about myself last year, what I want, and what I can live with. I became more confident, and happy. I’m learning that confidence in a relationship is very different to confidence outside a relationship though. At least for someone that is single for the first time in their adult life at the age of 24.

As half of a couple you can be completely oblivious to the signals around you when you’re out and about. It doesn’t matter if the guy at the next table is staring, because you’re not interested anyway. There is no one to impress. It doesn’t matter if you’re being too loud. You know who you’re going home with.
As a single lady Every. Fucking. Guy. is looking at you. Whether they actually are doesn’t matter, that’s what it feels like. It’s harder to relax. People become predatory instead of just being drunk and annoying.

Despite the person I became during 2009…the person I wanted to be; one with more confidence, more friends, and slightly more interesting things to say. I feel like I need to reinvent myself again. I need to become single Kim. Just Kim. Not Kim and Sol. Just Kim.

But if I already like who I am how can I do something drastic to reinvent myself?

Do I need to throw out all of my clothes and start again? Do I really have to join a gym? Because I hate working out.

Thankfully I have some beautifully talented readers to take up the slack when I feel like I need a holiday from blogging! Corrine ever so kindly stepped up to the plate with this gem today and I’ll bet it’s something we can all relate to. I have girl crushes on so many of you btw. x

By Corrine, www.frockandrollonline.com

Have you ever experienced a ”girl crush”? You have? EXCELLENT! I can now dedicate what WOULD have been an entire paragraph on definitions to instead discussing possibly more important things, like ice-cream. Gosh, I love ice-cream.

Okay, enough fooling around already! (Or Ms Constantine will surely never let me guest post here again.) Coined to describe ”feelings of admiration and adoration which a girl has for another girl, without wanting to shag said girl. A nonsexual attraction, usually based on veneration at some level” (why thank-you, Urban Dictionary!), it’s likely that you’ve spent some time with the emotion if you’ve ever marvelled at a friend’s amazing ability to style herself, coveted her phenomenal skill at attracting men folk or found yourself remarking ”why can’t I be just like her?!” in reference to a female acquaintance.

While it can almost sound like a negative experience, actually? It’s not. At ALL. In fact, it can even serve as an amazing opportunity to harness the EXACT fabulous qualities that you’d like to possess for yourself. For example, if you’re green with envy over another girl’s seemingly perfect physique, why not use the situation as pure inspiration to develop an exercise routine of your own that you’ll love? If it’s Jessica’s astounding social circle that has you feeling a little begrudging, why not work the issue to your best advantage by deciding to improve your own friendships? If it’s Ashley’s dazzling smile that you hold in such high regard, why not practice being as happy, friendly and charming as possible, and beam at everyone that you see?

Conjure up the very image of your personal girl crush, or think of the most fascinating female that you know. What is it about her that makes her so mesmerising and truly delightful, and more importantly, what can you learn from her?

Whether it’s something that you want to establish immediately, or would like to incorporate as part of your 2010 resolutions, light up the room. Astonish everyone around you with your sparkling conversation skills. Thrill with your kind demeanour. Enchant with your sense of humour. BE the very girl that you admire the most, and watch as you blossom into the very best version of yourself that you can possibly be.

Corrine blogs about fashion, self improvement, and everything in between at her cleverly named blog Frock and Roll.

Last week Rabbit wrote a fantastic post about grey areas of sexual consent. She discussed the notion that consent isn’t the opposite of rape, enthusiastic consent is. And it got me thinking about how this applies to everyday human interactions, not just sex.

How many times have you been talking to someone, whether you know them well or not, and they suggest doing something? A business venture, a night out clubbing, a coffee date, and while your heart isn’t in it you still say you’ll check your calendar or “yeah, I guess that could be ok” when you really want to say no.

Now think about how many times you’ve been the one asking the question. Where you’ve cajoled and coerced to get someone interested.

As someone that’s learnt most of what she knows about business from the internet I should be endorsing any number of pushy tactics to try and get people to listen. I should say that you never take no for an answer. But the reality is if someone isn’t interested then your emails and prodding will get you blocked and marked as spam. This particular customer or friend may never trust you again and they’ll never sign up to another newsletter that you’re involved in.
Always offer an unsubscribe link (metaphorical or actual) and make sure it works.

If your people aren’t enthusiastic about what you’ve got on offer you need to be able to take no for an answer. Take a step back, reassess what you’re offering and then let them know you’re available if they change their mind.
Have you ever naively stopped to talk with a Greenpeace volunteer and agreed to sign their petition only to be harangued for 20 minutes as he tries to sign you up for monthly donations? Despite protests that you’re self employed and don’t have a steady wage, that you’d rather he emailed the information he won’t let up. I have, and I’ll never stop to sign a petition with Greenpeace again for fear of not being able to get away.

Do you really have enough energy to expend on someone that’s not enthusiastic? Can you afford to have people avoiding you just so they don’t have to feel awkward saying no?

Recently my family received some very sad news. My remaining Grandad, my Dad’s dad has been given a couple of months to live. He has been living with cancer for 14 years but the drugs originally used to fight his myeloma have led to leukaemia and the specialist says there is nothing they can do.

My maternal Grandad died a few years ago from Alzheimer’s and cancer. And his gradual decline into the harsh life of Alzheimer’s meant he was figuratively gone before he was diagnosed with cancer. Dad’s dad however has lived around 9 years longer than he was supposed to and we kind of expected him to keep fighting forever. It has been a hard couple of weeks for everyone just trying to come to grips with the situation.

I handled it in my usual way, taking everything in at once, realising all the implications and then deciding the only way to stop crying and feeling shitty is to not think about it.

Instead, I got tattooed. In honour of both of my Grandads who I love. Although I do not believe in a god, and I am agnostic about spirits and an afterlife, having this reminder on me means I can never forget where I come from. Even when I’m old and wrinkly (assuming I live that long) and it looks like I have dirt on my arm, I’ll know that I had a life full of family that loved me.

Thursday the 15th of October I went to Tattoo City to book an appointment to have a tattoo designed and decided to look at some fonts while I was there. I had an idea of getting the g tattooed I just didn’t know where I wanted it or what it would look like. The guy from Tattoo City (I need to find out his name) was so friendly and sat with me to have a look. I found a font I liked and he suggested I could get it done that weekend at the Lower Hutt Tattoo Show and he kindly photocopied the font for me to take along.

This isn’t the bigger tattoo I’m planning, so I hope you’re not all disappointed expecting to see that.

I hadn’t planned on getting tattooed so quickly but there is no time like the present. So I rocked up to the Tattoo City booth on Saturday the 17th only to find they were too busy and was sent to Sacred Tattoo.
I was lucky enough to be tattooed by Erin from Sacred Tattoo. Sacred is located in Auckland and usually very hard to get an appointment with. The work they produce is amazing. Erin however was just back from the UK and had forgotten they were coming to the show so she had a spot available right away!

I was expecting tears and pain, but what I got was scratching, a few winces on the bony bits, and a numb hand from the vibrating and the lack of blood flowing in my arm due to the angle I had to hold it. The most painful part was the way I had to twist my arm to get my wrist to sit right.
$150 later and I am marked forever.
I also managed to win a bag of protat aftercare products when the guy on stage called out for any women tattooed on the day!

I can hardly wait till I get the big tatt done which will be revealed after December 25. I am hopefully going to see the preliminary design tomorrow (today really I guess), but I’ve booked the actual tattoo appointment for the 14th of December!

We take off for a week tomorrow (today!) to stay with The Boys dad and my family and to visit Grandad. I’ll still be around but not as much. We fly back very early on Sunday the 8th.