A) Started eating meat
B) Smoked a substance for the first time
C) Took a new boy to meet my mother
D) All of the above

We love winners in this country right? Well you’re all winners. Because in the past week I have done all of the above! (D: or :D ?)

It all started 2 weeks ago as we had a final gathering before Kate and Jason left for 2 months of honeymooning in America. Jason made pulled pork and I’d heard about his pulled pork since the day I moved into 361. I gave in. I realised I wasn’t so disgusted by meat any more. And I haven’t stopped eating it since.

At some point at the gathering a (I’m assuming very drunk and stoned) friend dropped a wee bag of weed on the kitchen floor and I found it while cleaning up. It had been decided a while ago that I would try marijuana at some point, so this opportunity was kind of perfect. Prior to this I’d never even had a puff on a cigarette. So my throat burnt, and my eyes stung a bit. But I did it, and am apparently one of the few that is affected in the first try. An odd feeling of knowing what I was doing but not being able to control it ended up making me think throwing a marshmallow back and forth was pretty damn hilarious.

Last but not least I am writing this from Mum’s house. All the way up in Ngaruawahia, an 8 hour drive from home.
Having not seen Mum since January, when I finally convinced my friend from school to come see me in Wellington I decided to drive back up with her. B (man friend for the past 6 months, have I told you about him yet?) agreed it was time to meet Mum as well and so we all piled in the car for the long drive. Mum says ‘he seems like I really nice guy’. I say ‘he’s just putting it on to impress you’. I kid.

Walking down Cuba with my friend Kelly yesterday afternoon we talked about our frightening realisation that we may never work “normal” jobs again.

Until a year ago I was quite happily resigned to the notion that I would work in an office my whole life. The weekends would be for living and weekdays for working. I planned to be well paid with little responsibility, never having to think very hard for myself. This lazy work life would lend itself well to a fun social life, including marriage, travel, and a mortgage. The prospect of this existence didn’t make me want to curl up and die, it didn’t even feel like my only option. It’s what I wanted!

And then everything changed. I no longer wanted someone telling me what to do. I didn’t care about earning a lot of money, as long as I could pay my bills. My relationship broke up. The thought of being tied to a mortgage became scary. And I realised that I wasn’t the same person any more, I was free of all that. I could live in the moment.

The problem for me and Kelly is that this path is not a usual one in our families, so there is no blueprint for us to follow. We’re making our own rules and it’s quite daunting.

And exciting.

Thanks for indulging me my moment of emo. I’m usually such a happy cynic that when these periods of melancholy and introspection come, and I still feel I can write, I like to embrace them. To bring the drama.

I’ve been sulking about nothing in particular. The bad weather rolls in every second day. Someone says something and I take it the wrong way. I get my period. My friends having to deal with shit I couldn’t handle. None of these things are real reasons for me to be upset, but none of them are invalid either. I’m lucky I have great people around to remind me, even for a few minutes, why I’m usually happy.

Today’s weather was particularly bad and I had nowhere to be and nothing pressing to achieve so instead I watched a bunch of downloaded shows and a few movies.

Cash – OK but not amazing. Sean Bean is great as usual.

Whip It – What’s not to love about derby!? Some lesbian allusions would have been nice, but it was pretty fun anyway. Alia Shawkat aka Maeby from Arrested Development is awesome.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – This one is definitely not a date movie. Rape, murder, and subtitles. It was pretty horrific to watch in parts. Over all though it was very well done, I love the Swedes, and I have a new girl crush in leading lady Noomi Rapace. Particularly in this movie as she is a damn hot goth. The Swedish title works far better for a stand alone film: Men Who Hate Women (translated obv), but as this is a three part series I can forgive the new English title.

Do you ever find yourself in such strange situations, or situations in which you’re acting different to your usual self, and it feels like you’re not actually there? Instead you’re looking at it as a bystander. Like it’s your body doing it and not you?

I’ve found myself in too many of these situations lately. Usually when I’m not entirely comfortable with where I am, or when I need to put on a persona to get through an event.

I want to be fully present in every moment, but in order to keep myself happy I try too hard to look at everything objectively. With my head and not just my heart. And it works for the most part. I’m pretty good at forcing my mind to believe I feel a certain way about something.
It means I don’t get caught up in my emotions and break down. But it also means I often push my feelings to the back.

Will they explode one day?

Will I explode one day?

I found a place to live you guys!

These days I’m reluctant to attribute anything that happens to fate, a plan, or any of that guff. But sometimes things feel like they happen for a reason. I didn’t get call backs from the places with skylights, the friend of a friend with the big room just down the road from where I live now completely dicked me around and didn’t show up to the viewing and then didn’t txt me back. But then I get a message from an acquaintance/friend saying one of their flatties just announced he’s moving out.

Turns out it was the best news I’d had all month. The room is big, cheap, and close to town. The flatmates are: Kate and Jason – they both blog (Kate at Lovelorn Unicorn, one of my favourite cute blogs; and Jason at Imaginary Network, amazing photography!), are both awesome people, and collectively are the cutest couple in the world! And they’re getting married in less than two weeks. And Brendan and Sophie, I don’t know these guys much at all but they both seem awesome and down to earth too.

I don’t have a partner to fall back on and hibernate with if I hate my flatmates anymore, so I was particularly hopeful I’d find somewhere to live with people I don’t hate. Result!

And the excitement of finding a new place to live only gets better as I realise I can decorate my room however I like. There will only be one persons junk in it. Mine! I can use a gingham table cloth and put fairy lights on the wall if I want to.

I’ve been scouring the design blogs for inspiration the last few days and here’s a few of the ideas I’ve loved.

Looks like I’m attracted to colour. Who knew? Very unlike me, although my favourite blue is showing through in quite a few of these pictures.

A huge thanks to everyone who has been looking after me the past month, getting me out of the house, and generally being a distraction. Especially the wonderful Jo who has given me a place to stay, cooked for me, and kept me entertained with 80s and 90s DVDs and a LAN party every night for half of the past 3 weeks. It means a lot to me, and has made a hard time a whole lot easier! You’re the best.

I used to be such a smug fucking married. While everyone was breaking up and losing their jobs I was totally in love and earning money. In fact I was so confident that I left my job to be self employed while Sol supported me. I was finally ready to relinquish some of my independence in the hopes of running an empire one day, and while I had a back up savings account just in case (thank fuck) it was still a big deal to give up spending money and control.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I don’t regret any of my actions. I learnt so much about myself last year, what I want, and what I can live with. I became more confident, and happy. I’m learning that confidence in a relationship is very different to confidence outside a relationship though. At least for someone that is single for the first time in their adult life at the age of 24.

As half of a couple you can be completely oblivious to the signals around you when you’re out and about. It doesn’t matter if the guy at the next table is staring, because you’re not interested anyway. There is no one to impress. It doesn’t matter if you’re being too loud. You know who you’re going home with.
As a single lady Every. Fucking. Guy. is looking at you. Whether they actually are doesn’t matter, that’s what it feels like. It’s harder to relax. People become predatory instead of just being drunk and annoying.

Despite the person I became during 2009…the person I wanted to be; one with more confidence, more friends, and slightly more interesting things to say. I feel like I need to reinvent myself again. I need to become single Kim. Just Kim. Not Kim and Sol. Just Kim.

But if I already like who I am how can I do something drastic to reinvent myself?

Do I need to throw out all of my clothes and start again? Do I really have to join a gym? Because I hate working out.

The apathy will subside. My usual happy disposition will return.

I am moving on, finding a flat, finding a job, and doing what I like, when I like.
My motto for 2010 is “trust your instincts”. I have been ignoring myself for too long.

It feels strange to be moving on so quickly. Right now it has been less than three weeks since the separation, but it is starting to feel like it was a long time ago. All the feelings of disappointment, frustration, and annoyance I buried for the sake of compromise and living in a relationship, have replaced the reasons I wanted to make it work. At this moment I am more upset at having my happy bubble burst than losing the person I thought I would grow old with. But then my feelings change every day depending on what I’ve heard, what I’ve read, what I’ve remembered.

Ladies and Gents, if you like you should put a ring on it (not necessarily a literal ring, but make your feelings known to all concerned parties). Otherwise move on, and stop wasting time.

Thank you all for your help, concern, and best wishes. I can’t do it without you. xxoo

I’ve been trying so hard to be tough and nonchalant this week that I almost convinced myself I am those things. For a while I managed to think about having an amazing life as a single person and decorating a bedroom all of my own. Thinking about all the friends I can party with, about all the travelling I’ll do, about all the fun I could have meeting new guys.

And then tonight, my last night in Hamilton, I went out dancing. It was great fun. But saying goodbye to my friend it really started to hit me. Tomorrow I’m going back to Wellington. Tomorrow I really have to start sorting out my life, whatever it is going to be. Getting into my room at Mums I see she has left me a little box of chocolates and I burst into tears. I don’t want to go home. I’m not ready to be on my own.

The night started with a grocery shop to stock up on juice, chocolate, and cheese. At 6 we sampled some of our purchases.

Followed not too distantly by some terrible fish and chips. Lame.

My sister felt like throwing up at the smell of my ‘Painkiller’ cocktail. It wasn’t amazing, but definitely not spew worthy. I got the straw from Mum in my lunchbox of pink stuff for giftmas. :D

A night with my sis is incomplete without Singstar. She is one of the few people that easily beats me at Singstar. It just made my victory while singing Spice Girls all the sweeter.

One of two kittens – this is Loki. Lots of entertainment but needing a sleep after round one.

Accessories for the night – Harry Potter lightning bolt necklace & Creep brooch
First spillage – sisters wine

The cards came out as a way to try and get some drink in us. I don’t tend to drink while singing.

Entertainment kitten number two is Onyx. He was crazily skittish and hid under the bed the first time I met him and a couple of days later he was all over me, climbing up my face. Yay for kittens, hug the pain away.

Happy New Year! I am notoriously bad at taking self portraits…or portraits of any kind. My hand isn’t steady enough for my camera.

Sister’s attempt was far more in focus!

Poor “bro in law” was rostered to work till 12. :[ He must have gotten off a little early as he was home by 12.05.

Random shot of bro in law's giftmas present.

Little blister makes the best faces and always makes me laugh till my stomach hurts. I got a video of her singing hilariously to Stacie Orrico's More to Life.

3am and time for browsing the net/sleeping in the bed bro in law kindly pumped up for me.

New Years Day and Hamilton continues with the amazing weather.

Found some of my pills on the floor and realised I had taken them out of the bottle the night before, gotten side tracked, and then fallen asleep. Doh.

Breakfast of champions - Camembert and cheese vienna sandwich with orange juice.

I've run out of girly movies I can watch that aren't about getting married or finding love and so resort to Hannah Montana. I manage to split it in to parts when sister tells me they're going to town and I can come. :]

OMG KITTENS

The Tron – Where bogans rule the land. (jkplzdontbeatme)

The Warehouse where everyone gets a bargain. Except for me because when you desperately want to spend money you can never find anything to buy.

Home time – Being chauffeured.

Mum’s gorgeous fluffy cat George claimed the Lego box for his bed.

At 6 little bro is a few years late to the ‘cut your own hair’ party, but good things always take time.

How did you spend New Years?

WTF is this Day in the Life thing?

A heads up: I started this post before giftmas and coming back to finish it found I had to change it. A lot. Prior to giftmas day, 2009 was the best year of my life. I met so many amazing people, had the best fun, started my own business, had fun blogging, and was very much in love. Unfortunately giftmas day saw my Grandads health take a nose dive, boxing day saw him pass away, and the 27th left me alone for the first time since I was 15 when Sol decided to leave me because I want to get married and he doesn’t. Yeah. Lame.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
   Chose to rock a fringe, worked for myself, sold jewellery, travelled overseas with friends, got a tattoo. Yay, yay, and yay.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   My 101 in 1001 list started on the 1st of January and I’ve managed to tick quite a few things off it. Including the one that was most important to me at the start of the year – quitting my job.
   There will be many more for next year. Including sorting out my relationship/lack of relationship and learning to be strong and happy however the situation turns out.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
   Benhi had beautiful little Abigail on the 26th of November
   Shonali had cuteness Charlie in August
4. Did anyone close to you die?
   Yes :[ My very sick Grandad died on Boxing Day. I got to see him one last time on Christmas day and it was horrible to see him so frail and in pain.
5. What countries did you visit?
   Australia (Gold Coast)
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
   A kitty, a thriving business that pays my bills, a DSLR camera.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
   May – Trip to Oz
   June 3 – Last day of work at Standards
   November 26 – Abby is born
   December 26 – Grandad Dies
   December 27 – Sol leaves me
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
   Quitting my sucky job to work for myself.
9. What was your biggest failure?
   Not working hard enough on my relationship, losing control of the situation, becoming financially dependant.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    Usual colitis symptoms, broken heart.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
    Tattoos, trip to Oz, 3 pairs of prescription glasses.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
    All of my new twitter friends – For being awesome and helping me have some fun
    My family – For looking after me and giving me space when I need it when it feels like my world is falling apart
    All the people that have tried to keep me distracted this past week
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
    Sol’s, all the people that want to be able to beat their kids legally, all the haters that think gay people and atheists don’t deserve the same rights as them.
14. Where did most of your money go?
    Food. Always. May seem like a waste but it is one of my favourite things in the world.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    Leaving my job, seeing my family, holidaying.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
    Anything by Sonata Arctica, or from Glee.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    • Happier or sadder?
      Sadder.
    • Thinner or fatter?
      Potentially fatter, but definitely more comfortable with my body.
    • Richer or poorer?
      I have more money in my savings account, but less regular income.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
    Cleaning, writing.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
    Wasting time online unnecessarily.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
    I spent the morning at Mums opening presents before getting a call to say Grandad had taken a turn for the worst and wouldn’t be able to spend the day out of hospital after all.
    Followed by food.
    Followed by a trip to the hospital to see my Dad’s side of the family and Grandad looking frail and struggling for breath.
    Night time was spent getting drunk at my Aunties house across the road from Mum’s. Siblings, cousins, Mum, Step Dad, Aunty and Uncle did a good job of distracting me from Grandads expected passing by singing, dancing, and laughing.
    4.30am bought a phone call from Dad’s wife to say Grandad had passed.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
    I fall in love/obsession with things all the time, so yes. Most recently it’s been Alan Rickman/Severus Snape, Emma Watson, Harry Potter (the stories not the boy), Glee, and Sonata Arctica. I stayed very much in love with Sol.
22. What was your favourite TV programme?
    Glee, House, Gossip Girl, Gilmore Girls, True Blood, Dexter, Shortland Street. Don’t make me choose.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
    I hate NZ Post. Does that count?
24. What was the best book you read?
    Wicked
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
    Sonata Arctica. I heard them last year but listened to everything and became obsessed this year!
26. What did you want and get?
    Some wholesale orders, awesome new friends, laser cutter, new job, tattoos.
27. What did you want and not get?
    A proper commitment from Sol
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
    Inglourious Basterds, though I watched Love Actually most.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    I turned 24 and celebrated with dinner and drinks at Japanese Restaurant Arashi. Then I got to meet Laura, Stacey, and Sarah from twitter at Hooch. I love those ladies!
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    Getting engaged. Or even not being dumped, I would settle for that.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
    “I don’t give a fuck how you expect me to dress”
    It involves a lot of t shirts, sneakers, tights, and skirts.
32. What kept you sane?
    Twitter
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    Severus Snape. lol.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
    Religion in government, homophobia in society. The usual stuff.
35. Who did you miss?
    My mum. And I’ve missed Sol for a couple of days now.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
    I can’t just choose one! Everyone from twitter I now see regularly. You have made the last few months amazing – Jo, Stacey, Laura, Amie, Lisa.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009
    No matter how much love someone they can still be an absolute dickhead and abandon you right when you really need them.
    Or how about – you don’t have to work in a job you hate.
    Or maybe – good friends are worth their weight in gold.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
    “If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it”

If I haven’t mentioned you by name it’s not that I don’t love and appreciate you, it’s that I have a pretty terrible memory unless things are written down. If you’re reading this I love you too!