Do you ever find yourself in such strange situations, or situations in which you’re acting different to your usual self, and it feels like you’re not actually there? Instead you’re looking at it as a bystander. Like it’s your body doing it and not you?

I’ve found myself in too many of these situations lately. Usually when I’m not entirely comfortable with where I am, or when I need to put on a persona to get through an event.

I want to be fully present in every moment, but in order to keep myself happy I try too hard to look at everything objectively. With my head and not just my heart. And it works for the most part. I’m pretty good at forcing my mind to believe I feel a certain way about something.
It means I don’t get caught up in my emotions and break down. But it also means I often push my feelings to the back.

Will they explode one day?

Will I explode one day?

I found a place to live you guys!

These days I’m reluctant to attribute anything that happens to fate, a plan, or any of that guff. But sometimes things feel like they happen for a reason. I didn’t get call backs from the places with skylights, the friend of a friend with the big room just down the road from where I live now completely dicked me around and didn’t show up to the viewing and then didn’t txt me back. But then I get a message from an acquaintance/friend saying one of their flatties just announced he’s moving out.

Turns out it was the best news I’d had all month. The room is big, cheap, and close to town. The flatmates are: Kate and Jason – they both blog (Kate at Lovelorn Unicorn, one of my favourite cute blogs; and Jason at Imaginary Network, amazing photography!), are both awesome people, and collectively are the cutest couple in the world! And they’re getting married in less than two weeks. And Brendan and Sophie, I don’t know these guys much at all but they both seem awesome and down to earth too.

I don’t have a partner to fall back on and hibernate with if I hate my flatmates anymore, so I was particularly hopeful I’d find somewhere to live with people I don’t hate. Result!

And the excitement of finding a new place to live only gets better as I realise I can decorate my room however I like. There will only be one persons junk in it. Mine! I can use a gingham table cloth and put fairy lights on the wall if I want to.

I’ve been scouring the design blogs for inspiration the last few days and here’s a few of the ideas I’ve loved.

Looks like I’m attracted to colour. Who knew? Very unlike me, although my favourite blue is showing through in quite a few of these pictures.

A huge thanks to everyone who has been looking after me the past month, getting me out of the house, and generally being a distraction. Especially the wonderful Jo who has given me a place to stay, cooked for me, and kept me entertained with 80s and 90s DVDs and a LAN party every night for half of the past 3 weeks. It means a lot to me, and has made a hard time a whole lot easier! You’re the best.

Let me tell you about how I met The Boy. It’s a true soap opera like story; a bunch of coincidences, naive optimism, and teenage lust lead us to where we are now, almost 8 years later.

It started like many stories of this nature do. Girl meets boy, they fall in love, he consistently acts like a douche and then goes overseas on holiday with his family. She retaliates by hooking up with someone else.

I was 16, and decided to head to Bowentown on New Years eve with a few people from the supermarket I worked at. One of the guys uncles was travelling with the gypsy fair and we planned to camp at their site.

As it happened The Boy was also travelling with the gypsy fair for the summer. His unusual name was a talking point, as always, and a few of the young ‘gypsies’ started to pal around with our group.

I don’t really remember the full events of the night, but I remember very vividly going to the portaloo and just as I finished the countdown to midnight started. I very graciously leapt out of the toilet and kissed him as the new year started.

That started a year of texting, and when his phone was lost, writing, and then eventually emails. We have a bag each of the letters we wrote each other. I lived in Ngaruawahia, he lived in Hastings about 6 hours away, and as school students who weren’t in a relationship – due to distance, and the fact we didn’t really know each other – we didn’t talk on the phone or visit. The only other time we saw each other was in April when he came for short visit.

During the year I was in and out of relationships with both douche and another boy from school.
I left school half way through the year and went to tech and near the end of the year douche decided to call it off via phone and I never saw him again. Instead of getting too upset I jumped online to talk to The Boy. He was moving to Wellington for uni in the new year and on a whim we decided to go together.
We had seen each other in person on a total of 4 separate days so I booked a bus ticket to Hastings to spend a week with The Boy to make sure we actually liked each other in real life. I met both of his parents and had a great time. A couple of days into the trip we had “the talk” and made it official. That was on December the 2nd 2002 – 7 years ago today.

I went home and prepared to move out. After xmas The Boy came to spend New Years with me and get my stuff. We filled up his car and moved everything to Hastings. And here’s where the story continues to be a soap opera…I got sick.

Well I’d actually been sick for a while. But I didn’t really realise it. In Hastings the symptoms go too bad to ignore and I was admitted to hospital, thankfully The Boy’s mum was willing to look after me.

We needed to find a flat in Wellington so The Boy caught a ride down with his dad and stayed with his sister spending a few days trudging the streets looking for a place while I was laid up in bed recovering. Once I was released I bused to Wellington with nothing but a bag of clothes and a blow up mattress until the rest of our sparse possessions arrived and we could buy some furniture.

And here we are 7 years later. Love you hun.

Forgive and forget is not a philosophy I can live by. I would love to be able to. Just like I’d love to be a clean freak, because then my house would be tidy instead of a pig sty. And if I loved to study I would have learnt other languages and be extremely educated by now.

But it’s just not me. I have a deep mean streak. Mum taught me that I should forgive people and that I should never say I hate someone because it’s a very strong word and you should never hate someone. I love my mum more than anything, and she’s almost always right, but she never taught me how to do those things.

While many people (especially women) will forgive I believe most won’t forget and will simply find a way to move on.
I am a master of moving on. Issues get put to the back of my mind and I’ll build trust again with a promise that there will be no repeat performances. The issue doesn’t go away though, it is done, and I am unlikely to forget your betrayal.
You only get the gift of a second chance if I really care about you though. Bosses who repeatedly burn me are forever trapped in the “I hate you” section of my brain. The I hate you section is likely to gain attention in the form of humiliating revenge and secret celebrations of your demise until you are out of my life forever.

My reason for non-forgiveness is simple – I have not bern given a good reason for what you did (or any explanation at all) and therefore there is no excuse. Have I got the wrong idea? Is that not what forgiveness is about? The dictionary cites ‘forgive’ as both to excuse a fault and to renounce anger or resentment.

Are you the forgiving or moving on type?

Last year I was sick on my birthday. My best friend was also out of town, and I chose a tiramasu with far too much alcohol in it for desert.
A sucky birthday certainly wasn’t a taste of things to come though.

I’ve achieved so much this year. I grew this little blog into something I really love and found so many new friends while doing it. I finally decided what I want to do in my life (for the moment anyway), and I think that decision will mean working for myself or at least in a job I really love for the rest of my life.

I really started discovering who I am, where my lines in the sand are, what I’m ready to go into battle for. Recently I even started learning to embrace my figure and stop worrying about fitting into my old jeans. (thanks Natalie and Frances!)

This year has been great for socialising. The group of friends we had when we first moved to Wellington is back with us in a big way and intelligent discussion abounds amongst the drunken antics. I really love all the people I surround myself with.

The Boy has been amazing. Extremely supportive and encouraging. There is no way I could do this without him, and not just because of his Freehand skills and the fact he’s paying my bills.

It’s when he pulls out things like this that I really know he’s paying attention.

Last years present is on the wall behind The Boy.

That’s the wrapping paper for this years as yet unknown present. Present tally so far includes a lovely soft hand knit scarf, chocolates, a marshmallow bear lollipop, a funky candle, and a 2010 cupcakes diary. The Boy also went out in the pouring rain to get me some muffins, cheese, and bread so I have something nice to eat for breakfast and lunch.

Thanks for all your support and for making this year great!

***

Also – My ghosty necklace is in Etsy’s current voter honouring halloween items! Yay. It can’t really compete with the more expensive and amazing items though. If you’ve got an Etsy account and haven’t voted yet it would be a great birthday present if wee ghosty got a bit of love. And if you don’t have an Etsy account why not?!

No one can drag me away from cake!

There’s a rule of thumb for dating where you divide your age by two and add seven and if your prospective date is younger than the result then they’re too young for you. By those standards it gives a 23 year old “permission” to date an 18 year old, but how often do you open yourself up to being friends with someone of that age?

Up until a few years ago when searching for new friends, even online, I would look for someone the same age as me with the same interests. It meant I didn’t even give myself a chance to talk to people 10 or even five years older than me because I’d already decided the age difference would make us incompatible for friendship. I assumed anyone that much older than me would think I was too young to hang out with them and anyone that much younger than me wouldn’t have the same life experiences and we wouldn’t have anything to share.

But how backwards is that thinking! It’s great to have a besty or two that are exactly like you, but it’s even better to find friends that you can learn something from. I met Chickie Little at work. Together we lamented about our bosses and hung out at work events and eventually got to know each other better and found that despite our five and a half year age gap we like many of the same things (and dislike the same things) and we are both in relationships and our partners get along well which makes double dating easy and movie nights easy. Chickie with her never age asian features often looks younger than me despite the ring on her finger and humongous baby bump, and her husband is a typical never grow old geek despite being in his early thirties.

Chickie has taught me a lot about baking and geeky stuff, things I wouldn’t have found in a friend if I kept looking for someone exactly like me. Other ex colleagues I consider friends are mothers, grandmothers, sporty, they all teach me something about who I am and bring unique perspectives to my life. I bring the perspective of a Gen Y’er to the relationship and let them know it’s ok to hate your job but you should do something about it, and that you’re allowed to challenge the status quo, and that a lot of 23 year olds are actually intelligent and self sufficient.

So next time you’re stuck talking to your workmate, teacher, boyfriends little sister, don’t think about age. Get to know them like you would anyone else. They might become a great friend.

I’m not sure where this originated but it’s going around by email at the moment and I thought it good enough that you wont hate me for sharing. I’ve bolded the ones that spoke to me most.

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re wrong.
4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. That’s enough, Nickelback.
7. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQs. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
10. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
11. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (it takes great skill grasshopper.)
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. Was learning cursive really necessary?
19. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”. (That’s where *actual lol* comes in.)
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
22. My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
23. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
24. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies,”
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
    (Well not so hard to believe because The Boy does it, it’s more weird than unbelievable.)
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
33. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
34. Bad decisions make good stories
35. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem.
39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
41. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
42. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
43. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
45. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
46. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
47. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
48. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
49. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
50. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
51. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
52. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
53. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
54. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
55. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time.
56. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
57. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
58. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
59. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
60. I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
61. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

1. 2. 3. 4.

I’ve been out of my office job for just over two months now, so I thought it was time to review the list I made back in February.
A list which boldly stated what I’d do if I didn’t have a day job.

• Create the already thought out design for Cupcakes and Mace
  I changed my blog theme in April in order to give myself more control, I also added a new header. There are still changes I’d like to make though.
• Read books often
  I haven’t read a single book since I’ve finished work. I read so much online every. single. day. that I feel like I don’t have the time. I’m tempted to try Twilight to see if the book is any better than the movie.
• Spend more time writing posts
  I do spend more time on most of my posts now, just because I can. I have a lot of half done posts and ideas as well, sometimes I’m too tired when it comes time to write something though and I end up writing filler (like this :p).
• Name, tag, and upload all of my photos
  One day I’ll get to it.
• Write to do lists
  I’m the kind of person that loves to plan, loves to prepare, but can’t quite get the same enthusiasm to perform the task.
  I bought a whiteboard and a corkboard, I write lists, I make piles, I plan, and plan, and plan. But I don’t actually finish anything on the list. I have been writing the lists though so I suppose that means this one is done.
• Exercise
  Hahahahahahahahaha
• Bake
  I’ve been putting my limited and lazy baking skills to practice. Today I made courgette and mushroom bread and it is delicious!
• Write letters
  Email is just SO much easier (and free).
• Find the best thrift stores and ask when new stock is put out
  I’ve hardly left the house during the day, let alone been going thrifting.
• Plan outfits
  When you don’t leave the house there is no need to plan an outfit.
• Get more sleep
  This. This! This is something I’ve gotten REAL good at. I sleep as long as I like and wake up refreshed and happy instead of bleary eyed and grumpy. I wake up and pull bake the curtain and get straight up.
  It’s the best feeling.
• Listen to music lots
  I did for the first month, but I haven’t listened to as much this month. The iPod is all the way over there, and my laptop speakers are tinny as fuck.
• Clear out my old clothes
  Must get on to this. It would allow me to use my desk.
• Bask in the glory of having no boss
  There has been much basking in the Cupcake Factory.
• Breathe more fresh air
  I get to enjoy every sunny day. I wake up when the sun is at its peak and wander into the toasty lounge. I open the bedroom window and front door wide and air the house. Its great.
  My skin is much nicer and not as dry now that I’m not stuck inside with aircon all day.
• Make jewellery
  I get real enjoyment out of making pretty things so making jewellery has been one of the few things I’ve been doing.
• Have fun with my “Wreck This Journal”
  Nope.
• Attempt to alter clothes
  Not yet. Though I’m planning on shortening the straps on a dress tomorrow. My size 12 boobs don’t quite match up to my size 13 thighs.
• Play my bass
  The only time either of the guitars get picked up is when one of our musically inclined friends comes over. I’m too impatient for music, if I’m not good after almost a year of weekly lessons I’m done.
• Save money on food
  We definitely haven’t been eating out as often and I don’t buy lunches so money has certainly been saved.
• Use recipes
  Not as much as I would like, but more than when I had a day job.
• Tweet constantly
  I’ve got the tweeting bug. I don’t tweet constantly, but I’m there often, and I’m always reading.
• Find the best photos on Flickr
  I often spend hours at a time finding perfect photos with CC licences for posts. (if you use Flickr you should give your photos a CC licence so they can be shared :])

So there you have it, I’m as lazy as ever, but I’m happy.

Living with a disease like crohns or colitis is hard to explain to many people. Symptoms are often not noticeable on the outside, there are no broken bones or rashes, and weight gain and loss is assumed to be over eating or anorexia.

I was 17 when I was diagnosed with indeterminate colitis, prior to that I had been getting progressively more sick and thin. I thought I was just a typically thin teenager who could eat what they wanted without putting on any weight. I didn’t know what a normal body felt like and so I assumed the grumbly gut was normal. The grumbly gut was around for about 1 and half years before I began spewing and spending so much time on the toilet I needed to go to a doctor and eventually get admitted to hospital.

Now I manage it pretty well with medication. Medication has side effects though. Side effects like a moon face, bad skin, and increased appetite.

And that’s how I went from stick thin teen… To thin young adult with a huge face… To average sized adult with bad skin.

At least I have a chin again now.

• Mini panics when I suddenly think I’ve only got one day left in my weekend till I have to go back to my horrid workplace. Obviously working in a nasty office left deeper scars than I’d realised.
• Finding out I’m a night owl and my body would rather sleep until 2pm and then stay awake till 3am than get up with everyone else.
• Not feeling the need to feed my face constantly. I’m eating probably half of what I was eating when I was in the office. No more eating to cure the boredom, no more left over cake in the staffroom. I often have my first meal of the day at about 4pm now. (um, except for last week where I ate almost 3 blocks of chocolate, a box of popcorn, two ice creams, a bag of lollies, cheese and crackers, and fish and chips)
• Becoming a bit of a recluse. I haven’t been leaving the house unless we’ve been invited out somewhere, so I often leave the house only once or twice a week. Many days I live in a dressing gown because I don’t see the point in getting dressed!
• An obsession with the Gilmore Girls. Now that I have no office these ladies are my workmate replacements.
• Wanting to/having the time to bake again.

And some expected side effects: losing the bags under my eyes, not having such dry skin due to air conditioning, being happy!