Do you ever find yourself in such strange situations, or situations in which you’re acting different to your usual self, and it feels like you’re not actually there? Instead you’re looking at it as a bystander. Like it’s your body doing it and not you?

I’ve found myself in too many of these situations lately. Usually when I’m not entirely comfortable with where I am, or when I need to put on a persona to get through an event.

I want to be fully present in every moment, but in order to keep myself happy I try too hard to look at everything objectively. With my head and not just my heart. And it works for the most part. I’m pretty good at forcing my mind to believe I feel a certain way about something.
It means I don’t get caught up in my emotions and break down. But it also means I often push my feelings to the back.

Will they explode one day?

Will I explode one day?

My last post was almost 3 weeks ago?! That’s fucking ridiculous and perhaps just the kick up the ass I need to show me how lazy I’ve been. The best cure for writers block is to just write something, anything, “they” say. So it’s worth a try.

Friday night saw my first party at 361, a K party (dress up theme, not ketamine sharing) in honour of my inhabitation of the flat. Smarty pants flatmate Jason set the up the photobooth he created to capture everyones costumes/inebriated states.

Here are a few goodies.

L to R: Kiki of Kiki’s delivery service (aka flattie Kate), Kermit (aka Michael), Karen O (aka flattie Sophie), Karl Lagerfeld (aka Laura), Koala (aka Emma); Kanye (aka flattie Jason), Karl Lagerfeld; Kleptomaniac (aka Stacey), Kate from Lost (aka ME); Klytemnestre (aka Jo).

L to R: K’ Rd hooker (aka Hannah), Kramer (aka Finn), Karen O; KGB officer (aka Karen), Jo; Me, King Midas (aka Ella, she was originally gold in another language but I can’t remember the language), Kate; Kaleidoscope (aka flattie Brendan), photobomber Stacey.

L to R: Laura (omg isn’t she perfect as Karl?!), pieces of Kermit; Karaoke queen (aka Beth), Stacey; Kelly (aka Kelly), Jo, Kink (aka Bad Tom); Kate, Sophie, Emma.

L to R: Kid (aka Anna), Jo, Tom; Flatties pre dress up – Me, Sophie, Kate, and photo bomber Jason; Me, Karen, Jo, Kim Thayil (aka Lisa); Michael, Laura, Me.

I used to be such a smug fucking married. While everyone was breaking up and losing their jobs I was totally in love and earning money. In fact I was so confident that I left my job to be self employed while Sol supported me. I was finally ready to relinquish some of my independence in the hopes of running an empire one day, and while I had a back up savings account just in case (thank fuck) it was still a big deal to give up spending money and control.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I don’t regret any of my actions. I learnt so much about myself last year, what I want, and what I can live with. I became more confident, and happy. I’m learning that confidence in a relationship is very different to confidence outside a relationship though. At least for someone that is single for the first time in their adult life at the age of 24.

As half of a couple you can be completely oblivious to the signals around you when you’re out and about. It doesn’t matter if the guy at the next table is staring, because you’re not interested anyway. There is no one to impress. It doesn’t matter if you’re being too loud. You know who you’re going home with.
As a single lady Every. Fucking. Guy. is looking at you. Whether they actually are doesn’t matter, that’s what it feels like. It’s harder to relax. People become predatory instead of just being drunk and annoying.

Despite the person I became during 2009…the person I wanted to be; one with more confidence, more friends, and slightly more interesting things to say. I feel like I need to reinvent myself again. I need to become single Kim. Just Kim. Not Kim and Sol. Just Kim.

But if I already like who I am how can I do something drastic to reinvent myself?

Do I need to throw out all of my clothes and start again? Do I really have to join a gym? Because I hate working out.

A heads up: I started this post before giftmas and coming back to finish it found I had to change it. A lot. Prior to giftmas day, 2009 was the best year of my life. I met so many amazing people, had the best fun, started my own business, had fun blogging, and was very much in love. Unfortunately giftmas day saw my Grandads health take a nose dive, boxing day saw him pass away, and the 27th left me alone for the first time since I was 15 when Sol decided to leave me because I want to get married and he doesn’t. Yeah. Lame.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
   Chose to rock a fringe, worked for myself, sold jewellery, travelled overseas with friends, got a tattoo. Yay, yay, and yay.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   My 101 in 1001 list started on the 1st of January and I’ve managed to tick quite a few things off it. Including the one that was most important to me at the start of the year – quitting my job.
   There will be many more for next year. Including sorting out my relationship/lack of relationship and learning to be strong and happy however the situation turns out.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
   Benhi had beautiful little Abigail on the 26th of November
   Shonali had cuteness Charlie in August
4. Did anyone close to you die?
   Yes :[ My very sick Grandad died on Boxing Day. I got to see him one last time on Christmas day and it was horrible to see him so frail and in pain.
5. What countries did you visit?
   Australia (Gold Coast)
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
   A kitty, a thriving business that pays my bills, a DSLR camera.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
   May – Trip to Oz
   June 3 – Last day of work at Standards
   November 26 – Abby is born
   December 26 – Grandad Dies
   December 27 – Sol leaves me
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
   Quitting my sucky job to work for myself.
9. What was your biggest failure?
   Not working hard enough on my relationship, losing control of the situation, becoming financially dependant.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    Usual colitis symptoms, broken heart.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
    Tattoos, trip to Oz, 3 pairs of prescription glasses.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
    All of my new twitter friends – For being awesome and helping me have some fun
    My family – For looking after me and giving me space when I need it when it feels like my world is falling apart
    All the people that have tried to keep me distracted this past week
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
    Sol’s, all the people that want to be able to beat their kids legally, all the haters that think gay people and atheists don’t deserve the same rights as them.
14. Where did most of your money go?
    Food. Always. May seem like a waste but it is one of my favourite things in the world.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    Leaving my job, seeing my family, holidaying.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
    Anything by Sonata Arctica, or from Glee.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    • Happier or sadder?
      Sadder.
    • Thinner or fatter?
      Potentially fatter, but definitely more comfortable with my body.
    • Richer or poorer?
      I have more money in my savings account, but less regular income.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
    Cleaning, writing.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
    Wasting time online unnecessarily.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
    I spent the morning at Mums opening presents before getting a call to say Grandad had taken a turn for the worst and wouldn’t be able to spend the day out of hospital after all.
    Followed by food.
    Followed by a trip to the hospital to see my Dad’s side of the family and Grandad looking frail and struggling for breath.
    Night time was spent getting drunk at my Aunties house across the road from Mum’s. Siblings, cousins, Mum, Step Dad, Aunty and Uncle did a good job of distracting me from Grandads expected passing by singing, dancing, and laughing.
    4.30am bought a phone call from Dad’s wife to say Grandad had passed.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
    I fall in love/obsession with things all the time, so yes. Most recently it’s been Alan Rickman/Severus Snape, Emma Watson, Harry Potter (the stories not the boy), Glee, and Sonata Arctica. I stayed very much in love with Sol.
22. What was your favourite TV programme?
    Glee, House, Gossip Girl, Gilmore Girls, True Blood, Dexter, Shortland Street. Don’t make me choose.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
    I hate NZ Post. Does that count?
24. What was the best book you read?
    Wicked
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
    Sonata Arctica. I heard them last year but listened to everything and became obsessed this year!
26. What did you want and get?
    Some wholesale orders, awesome new friends, laser cutter, new job, tattoos.
27. What did you want and not get?
    A proper commitment from Sol
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
    Inglourious Basterds, though I watched Love Actually most.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    I turned 24 and celebrated with dinner and drinks at Japanese Restaurant Arashi. Then I got to meet Laura, Stacey, and Sarah from twitter at Hooch. I love those ladies!
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    Getting engaged. Or even not being dumped, I would settle for that.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
    “I don’t give a fuck how you expect me to dress”
    It involves a lot of t shirts, sneakers, tights, and skirts.
32. What kept you sane?
    Twitter
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    Severus Snape. lol.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
    Religion in government, homophobia in society. The usual stuff.
35. Who did you miss?
    My mum. And I’ve missed Sol for a couple of days now.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
    I can’t just choose one! Everyone from twitter I now see regularly. You have made the last few months amazing – Jo, Stacey, Laura, Amie, Lisa.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009
    No matter how much love someone they can still be an absolute dickhead and abandon you right when you really need them.
    Or how about – you don’t have to work in a job you hate.
    Or maybe – good friends are worth their weight in gold.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
    “If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it”

If I haven’t mentioned you by name it’s not that I don’t love and appreciate you, it’s that I have a pretty terrible memory unless things are written down. If you’re reading this I love you too!

First up is my roller derby outfit! New Zealand had its first intercity bout on Saturday and it was with our 2 most rival cities – Auckland and Wellington. The extra few years practice Auckland has on us were very evident as they whooped our ass 174 to 88! Not once did the crowd become discouraged though, we screamed our lungs out in support till the very end. It was SO great.

Welly’s colours are orange and purple so I wore every piece of orange clothing I own – a tie that came free with a shirt, a corduroy skirt from when I was at high school, and socks. I made my bow at Jo’s fascinator/banner making session the day before, it’s stuffed with paper, that’s how I roll.

I totally guessed how to tie my tie and got it right first time! Stoked.

My usual staples – a tee, skirt, sneakers. But this time it’s minus the leggings! Behold the glorious whiteness of my legs.
The grin is courtesy of free rum cocktails.
If you look closely you should be able to see that my t shirt features a punk version of Bambi. She’s very cool.

I’m not sure if it’s this time of year or the fact that I generally like to have things but after my last wishlist post I was inspired to start noting down the things I’m lusting after.

Here a few more things I’d love to have to would also make excellent gifts for the left of centre girls in your life.

1. Anything from Trixie Delicious – This clever lady make me want to collect plates and tea cups so bad. So far I’ve only managed to score one of her badges emblazoned with flowers and the word Creep, but I’d really love some of her plates hanging in my house, the cruder the better.
   I wish I had a close gay friend so I could buy him the Gaybo plate!
2. A watch – I’ve been trying to find one I want for ages, but these styles all seem quite cool.
   Bright pink from The Warehouse
   Black Plasteramic from ToyWatch

   http://toywatchusa.com/Plasteramic-Watch-Collection-Black/M/B001KQ7YE8.htm

3. Keep Calm posters – The Boys work has a nice printer so he might be able to do these for me ;]
   Bright solid colours please, no pastels, and definitely no orange.
   Get Excited and Make Things – download
   Keep Calm and Conjure a Patronus Charm (because I’m on a massive Harry Potter kick right now) from 3 Lambs Graphics
4. Thrifted frames – Sure new frames are nice, but they’re expensive, and you can’t spray paint them without feeling guilty.
   I’d like to fill one of our walls with framed prints (like the posters above) big ones, little ones, whatever. So if you come across any cheap ones snap them up for me!
5. 0g earrings – Because the holes in my lobes are 8mm wide I usually just leave my trusty plugs in but it would be nice to change it up every now and then. These earrings are so pretty!
   Horn Hearts from Bodyartforms
   Single flare light blue pyrex plug from Bodyartforms
6. Feltidermy – Like taxidermy but with felt animals (even though The Boy feels really bad seeing soft toy heads on the wall. He said “what if that was Little Ted’s head on a plaque”. He’s a big softy!)
   Bunny and jackalope from Girl Savage on Etsy
7. Books – With a particular focus on Harry Potter. While I’ve read all of the books in the series at least twice I only own books 6 and 7. Adding hard cover copies of books 1-5 would be awesome.
8. Vouchers – Reading cinemas movie vouchers, New World vouchers, and cleaning vouchers. To entertain us, feed us, and make us look like we’re less gross than we really are.
9. Geek pride – Keep out of direct sunlight. Nuff said.

My often updated wish lists can always be found on Amazon and Etsy.

Last year I was sick on my birthday. My best friend was also out of town, and I chose a tiramasu with far too much alcohol in it for desert.
A sucky birthday certainly wasn’t a taste of things to come though.

I’ve achieved so much this year. I grew this little blog into something I really love and found so many new friends while doing it. I finally decided what I want to do in my life (for the moment anyway), and I think that decision will mean working for myself or at least in a job I really love for the rest of my life.

I really started discovering who I am, where my lines in the sand are, what I’m ready to go into battle for. Recently I even started learning to embrace my figure and stop worrying about fitting into my old jeans. (thanks Natalie and Frances!)

This year has been great for socialising. The group of friends we had when we first moved to Wellington is back with us in a big way and intelligent discussion abounds amongst the drunken antics. I really love all the people I surround myself with.

The Boy has been amazing. Extremely supportive and encouraging. There is no way I could do this without him, and not just because of his Freehand skills and the fact he’s paying my bills.

It’s when he pulls out things like this that I really know he’s paying attention.

Last years present is on the wall behind The Boy.

That’s the wrapping paper for this years as yet unknown present. Present tally so far includes a lovely soft hand knit scarf, chocolates, a marshmallow bear lollipop, a funky candle, and a 2010 cupcakes diary. The Boy also went out in the pouring rain to get me some muffins, cheese, and bread so I have something nice to eat for breakfast and lunch.

Thanks for all your support and for making this year great!

***

Also – My ghosty necklace is in Etsy’s current voter honouring halloween items! Yay. It can’t really compete with the more expensive and amazing items though. If you’ve got an Etsy account and haven’t voted yet it would be a great birthday present if wee ghosty got a bit of love. And if you don’t have an Etsy account why not?!

No one can drag me away from cake!

That’s all for today folks. I’m tired because I actually left the house today. And I left before midday. And then I assembled a whole bunch of necklaces and brooches while making plans to go to the Roller Derby and attend a Spice World party. MLIA.

This week is National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week in America. A fact I was made aware of through Natalie’s post of the same name. Go read it first, this one can wait. Natalie has some great things to say particularly about suffering from type 1 diabetes.

To get the word out about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week the organisers started a meme to help the “invisible” sufferers have a moan share more about what they’re going through.

1. The illness I live with is: Indeterminate colitis. A lovely combo of ulcerative colitis and Crohn’s disease.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2003 (January)
3. But I had symptoms since: 2002 at least 6-12 months before being diagnosed.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Acknowledging that I’m sick, and that sometimes that means I’ll be in pain. And sometimes I’ll be debilitated, and that’s life now and I don’t have to pretend I’m ok when I’m not.

   Trying to remember to take my pills every day and get blood tests monthly.

   Never knowing whether I feel sick or tired because of the disease or because I have food poisoning, or ate a shitty diet that week. Whether I’m hungover or my gut is packing a sad because I had both alcohol and coke. And not knowing what it would be like to not be sick, am I really having a good week or is it just good compared to my bad weeks?

5. Most people assume: That I have constant diarrhoea.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Going to bed before the sun rises.
7. My favourite medical TV show is: House – cynicism, atheism, sarcasm, awesomism.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My computer? Medical wise…blood tests and colonoscopes.
9. The hardest part about nights are: Remembering to take my pills.
10. Each day I take 7 pills.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Have tried a few things that didn’t work. Inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) is different for everyone, something that may work for one person might not work for another. I’m fairly skeptical about alternative treatments, especially in regards to chronic illness.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Invisible. I like to pretend there is nothing wrong with me.
13. Regarding working and career: I would find it extremely hard to work in retail as I get a sore back after standing for an hour and I often need to take bathroom breaks on short notice. Bowel disease will not wait for scheduled break times.
14. People would be surprised to know: That people died regularly from having an IBD as recent as 50 years ago. Despite the many negative side effects steroids have saved so many people from having to get their bowels removed.

    That I probably had been very very sick for almost a year before being diagnosed and only went to the doctor about it when it became really bad (and he had absolutely no clue as to what it could be). At 16 I was clueless and had absolutely no idea that it wasn’t normal to go to the toilet so often, to have diarrhoea, and to be in occasional pain.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Knowing that there is no known cause or cure and I’m more likely to get cancer than most people.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Go camping. But only because a portaloo was on site.
17. The commercials about my illness: Are non existent. Most people have no idea what I’m talking about when I say ‘Crohn’s disease’, ‘ulcerative colitis’ or ‘indeterminate colitis’.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: I was only 17 when I was diagnosed so I don’t really remember what life was like before colitis.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: Caffeine and ice cream. I still have them occasionally and I really pay for it.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Blogging.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Get hyper on V (energy drink), stuff my face with popcorn, eat a tub of ice cream, and not feel sick afterwards.
22. My illness has taught me: Finding a great doctor is a precious gift. Medicine is one of the greatest things in the world. Despite the long waits public health care is lifesaving and something every country should have. Getting blood tests isn’t scary. Taking pills isn’t hard (before this I couldn’t even swallow pain relief tablets, I had to learn quickly!). The Boy must have really really liked me (or was too lazy to do anything about it) to stick around when I got so sick at the very start of our relationship.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: I hate hate hate seeing the signs in food places, swimming pools, doctors waiting rooms etc that say you can’t help prepare, can’t swim, must tell reception etc, If you’ve had diarrhoea in the last week (or however long). I know it’s the easiest way to express the concern but IBD is not an infectious disease so those signs don’t apply to everyone who has diarrhoea. IBD is an inflammatory disease, in laymans terms my bowel has a hyper immune system and thinks all bacteria is bad and attacks everything and gets inflamed. I take inflammation medication and immunosuppressants to suppress my immune system.It’s also annoying when people link my choice to be pescetarian to the disease, and when people offer me gluten free food because I tried a gluten free diet 6 years ago for a few months.
24. But I love it when people: Treat me like I’m normal, and understand that I’m managing ok with medication most of the time.
25. My favourite motto or quote that gets me through tough times is: I just try to remember that about 50 years ago IBD was often a death sentence. We have made amazing progress with medication and hopefully it’ll get even better.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Now you know, and now you can manage it so it should get easier from here. I haven’t met anyone that has just been diagnosed, but I would be more than happy to talk with them about it and offer any support I can. And I’d recommend they shop around till they find a doctor they really click with. Mine is fantastic and it has made the whole horrible experience much much easier!
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The way it has integrated itself into life and is just a normality now.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: I was in the process of moving cities with The Boy (who I hadn’t been with very long) and we were staying at his house for a few days, half way to the new city, while preparing to move. I hadn’t yet been diagnosed but my symptoms got so bad that I couldn’t absorb my food, it was immediately coming out both ends. The Boys mum works as a nurse and could see the amount of pain I was in (what with me writing around on the floor clutching my gut and all) and that I needed to go to the hospital, she took me in the middle of the night, and waited with me for hours until I was seen. She waited with me while I was admitted, and looked after me while I was in the hospital by myself. The Boy had to go to our new city to look for somewhere for us to live so his mum was the only person I knew. And I didn’t really know her at all.
    It meant a lot to both me and my mum who couldn’t be there as she was a 5 hour drive away looking after my siblings.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I’m sick too dammit.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Happy that you cared enough.

Now go hug all your sick friends and let them know you admire them for getting on with life.

***

Copied directly from Definatalie.com because I feel exactly the same way and can’t put it better myself.

Disclaimer of sorts: This awareness week was started by a Christian ministry, and while I am an atheist I think it’s important to make people aware of chronic invisible illnesses. I also think it’s important to treat them with medical science, not just prayer – like in the case of the diabetic 11 year old who died because her Christian parents refused her medical treatment, preferring to pray for her healing rather than providing her treatment.
/controversy

- Natalie

I don’t know how The Boy can live with me sometimes. I didn’t have a shower for three days in a row this week. A total of three power company reps and one courier guy saw me in my fluffy pink robe and ugg boots as I tried to hide behind my door and failed.

Watched this week: Entourage Season 5 – Now, The King of Kong, Inglourious Basterds, The Hangover (disappointing), The Boat That Rocked (we both laughed and cried).

On my wishlist: Pencil skirts. After putting on another all black ensemble yesterday I realised I looked a bit boxy and decided I’m going to try to work some more colour into my wardrobe. I doubt I’ll be leaving the black t shirts behind me anytime soon but a few bright pencil skirts could be just what I need to show that I do actually have a waist and that having an ass and thighs ain’t all bad!

I’m loving: Seeing a guy at the bus stop wearing nothing but his underwear and a t shirt, presumably doing the pantless walk of shame; 60s music; Bill Nighy; “You look like a unicorn… in a negligee”; The crazy cat from downstairs. It started a while back when a new person moved in downstairs, suddenly there was this huge fluffy cat that was really really friendly and would rub all over you while you went to check the mail. About a week ago I was petting it and as I went back up the stairs to our flat it kept jumping in front of me trying to block my way. Then it found it’s way into our house when we had the door open. We were happy to have it wonder around but it seems that one invite was enough for it to take over. We haven’t even fed the cat before but now it scratches at our door to be let in. The other night it scratched at the door for an hour while we sat inside feeling bad for not letting it in but still wanting it to learn that it does not in fact live here.

We don’t know it’s name, or even what sex it is, so we just call it downstairs kitty…because it lives downstairs.

Best line: [After seeing a cat squish itself under a fence] “Maybe it was bred with an octopus. Hahaha Octo-PUS.” – The Boy

I’ve now been awarded the Kreativ Blogger award by two lovely blogger ladies (thank you very much Ela and Charlie :]) so I suppose it’s time for me to follow the rules once again. The rules dictate that I must share seven things about myself that people might find interesting. And we all know how a personal blogger loves the limelight so I’m happy to oblige. It may be hard to come up with seven things I haven’t over shared already though…

1. I believe I have the band My Chemical Romance to thank/blame for my obsession with the internet. It started with me seeing one of their videos on TV, then I got into their music in a big way, so I joined the MCRmy street team, started spending all my spare time online, got a MySpace, started to blog on it, started reading other blogs, etc.
2. I didn’t start wearing glasses till I was 20. In previous years I had often exclaimed at how perfect my vision was. :[
3. I take 6 prescription pills daily.
4. I am the eldest of 5 children, my youngest brother is 18 years younger than me.
5. I am afraid of flying, but only when I’m already in the air.
6. I didn’t finish high school, I didn’t even finish the second to last year. I left for a 6 month computing course when I was 16, and there is nothing I would change about that decision!
7. I am a pescetarian (the only meat I eat comes from the sea). The only other meat I crave is the crappy stuff in pies and burgers.