Do you ever find yourself in such strange situations, or situations in which you’re acting different to your usual self, and it feels like you’re not actually there? Instead you’re looking at it as a bystander. Like it’s your body doing it and not you?

I’ve found myself in too many of these situations lately. Usually when I’m not entirely comfortable with where I am, or when I need to put on a persona to get through an event.

I want to be fully present in every moment, but in order to keep myself happy I try too hard to look at everything objectively. With my head and not just my heart. And it works for the most part. I’m pretty good at forcing my mind to believe I feel a certain way about something.
It means I don’t get caught up in my emotions and break down. But it also means I often push my feelings to the back.

Will they explode one day?

Will I explode one day?

My last post was almost 3 weeks ago?! That’s fucking ridiculous and perhaps just the kick up the ass I need to show me how lazy I’ve been. The best cure for writers block is to just write something, anything, “they” say. So it’s worth a try.

Friday night saw my first party at 361, a K party (dress up theme, not ketamine sharing) in honour of my inhabitation of the flat. Smarty pants flatmate Jason set the up the photobooth he created to capture everyones costumes/inebriated states.

Here are a few goodies.

L to R: Kiki of Kiki’s delivery service (aka flattie Kate), Kermit (aka Michael), Karen O (aka flattie Sophie), Karl Lagerfeld (aka Laura), Koala (aka Emma); Kanye (aka flattie Jason), Karl Lagerfeld; Kleptomaniac (aka Stacey), Kate from Lost (aka ME); Klytemnestre (aka Jo).

L to R: K’ Rd hooker (aka Hannah), Kramer (aka Finn), Karen O; KGB officer (aka Karen), Jo; Me, King Midas (aka Ella, she was originally gold in another language but I can’t remember the language), Kate; Kaleidoscope (aka flattie Brendan), photobomber Stacey.

L to R: Laura (omg isn’t she perfect as Karl?!), pieces of Kermit; Karaoke queen (aka Beth), Stacey; Kelly (aka Kelly), Jo, Kink (aka Bad Tom); Kate, Sophie, Emma.

L to R: Kid (aka Anna), Jo, Tom; Flatties pre dress up – Me, Sophie, Kate, and photo bomber Jason; Me, Karen, Jo, Kim Thayil (aka Lisa); Michael, Laura, Me.

I used to be such a smug fucking married. While everyone was breaking up and losing their jobs I was totally in love and earning money. In fact I was so confident that I left my job to be self employed while Sol supported me. I was finally ready to relinquish some of my independence in the hopes of running an empire one day, and while I had a back up savings account just in case (thank fuck) it was still a big deal to give up spending money and control.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I don’t regret any of my actions. I learnt so much about myself last year, what I want, and what I can live with. I became more confident, and happy. I’m learning that confidence in a relationship is very different to confidence outside a relationship though. At least for someone that is single for the first time in their adult life at the age of 24.

As half of a couple you can be completely oblivious to the signals around you when you’re out and about. It doesn’t matter if the guy at the next table is staring, because you’re not interested anyway. There is no one to impress. It doesn’t matter if you’re being too loud. You know who you’re going home with.
As a single lady Every. Fucking. Guy. is looking at you. Whether they actually are doesn’t matter, that’s what it feels like. It’s harder to relax. People become predatory instead of just being drunk and annoying.

Despite the person I became during 2009…the person I wanted to be; one with more confidence, more friends, and slightly more interesting things to say. I feel like I need to reinvent myself again. I need to become single Kim. Just Kim. Not Kim and Sol. Just Kim.

But if I already like who I am how can I do something drastic to reinvent myself?

Do I need to throw out all of my clothes and start again? Do I really have to join a gym? Because I hate working out.

A heads up: I started this post before giftmas and coming back to finish it found I had to change it. A lot. Prior to giftmas day, 2009 was the best year of my life. I met so many amazing people, had the best fun, started my own business, had fun blogging, and was very much in love. Unfortunately giftmas day saw my Grandads health take a nose dive, boxing day saw him pass away, and the 27th left me alone for the first time since I was 15 when Sol decided to leave me because I want to get married and he doesn’t. Yeah. Lame.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
   Chose to rock a fringe, worked for myself, sold jewellery, travelled overseas with friends, got a tattoo. Yay, yay, and yay.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   My 101 in 1001 list started on the 1st of January and I’ve managed to tick quite a few things off it. Including the one that was most important to me at the start of the year – quitting my job.
   There will be many more for next year. Including sorting out my relationship/lack of relationship and learning to be strong and happy however the situation turns out.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
   Benhi had beautiful little Abigail on the 26th of November
   Shonali had cuteness Charlie in August
4. Did anyone close to you die?
   Yes :[ My very sick Grandad died on Boxing Day. I got to see him one last time on Christmas day and it was horrible to see him so frail and in pain.
5. What countries did you visit?
   Australia (Gold Coast)
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
   A kitty, a thriving business that pays my bills, a DSLR camera.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
   May – Trip to Oz
   June 3 – Last day of work at Standards
   November 26 – Abby is born
   December 26 – Grandad Dies
   December 27 – Sol leaves me
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
   Quitting my sucky job to work for myself.
9. What was your biggest failure?
   Not working hard enough on my relationship, losing control of the situation, becoming financially dependant.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    Usual colitis symptoms, broken heart.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
    Tattoos, trip to Oz, 3 pairs of prescription glasses.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
    All of my new twitter friends – For being awesome and helping me have some fun
    My family – For looking after me and giving me space when I need it when it feels like my world is falling apart
    All the people that have tried to keep me distracted this past week
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
    Sol’s, all the people that want to be able to beat their kids legally, all the haters that think gay people and atheists don’t deserve the same rights as them.
14. Where did most of your money go?
    Food. Always. May seem like a waste but it is one of my favourite things in the world.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    Leaving my job, seeing my family, holidaying.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
    Anything by Sonata Arctica, or from Glee.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    • Happier or sadder?
      Sadder.
    • Thinner or fatter?
      Potentially fatter, but definitely more comfortable with my body.
    • Richer or poorer?
      I have more money in my savings account, but less regular income.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
    Cleaning, writing.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
    Wasting time online unnecessarily.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
    I spent the morning at Mums opening presents before getting a call to say Grandad had taken a turn for the worst and wouldn’t be able to spend the day out of hospital after all.
    Followed by food.
    Followed by a trip to the hospital to see my Dad’s side of the family and Grandad looking frail and struggling for breath.
    Night time was spent getting drunk at my Aunties house across the road from Mum’s. Siblings, cousins, Mum, Step Dad, Aunty and Uncle did a good job of distracting me from Grandads expected passing by singing, dancing, and laughing.
    4.30am bought a phone call from Dad’s wife to say Grandad had passed.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
    I fall in love/obsession with things all the time, so yes. Most recently it’s been Alan Rickman/Severus Snape, Emma Watson, Harry Potter (the stories not the boy), Glee, and Sonata Arctica. I stayed very much in love with Sol.
22. What was your favourite TV programme?
    Glee, House, Gossip Girl, Gilmore Girls, True Blood, Dexter, Shortland Street. Don’t make me choose.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
    I hate NZ Post. Does that count?
24. What was the best book you read?
    Wicked
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
    Sonata Arctica. I heard them last year but listened to everything and became obsessed this year!
26. What did you want and get?
    Some wholesale orders, awesome new friends, laser cutter, new job, tattoos.
27. What did you want and not get?
    A proper commitment from Sol
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
    Inglourious Basterds, though I watched Love Actually most.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    I turned 24 and celebrated with dinner and drinks at Japanese Restaurant Arashi. Then I got to meet Laura, Stacey, and Sarah from twitter at Hooch. I love those ladies!
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    Getting engaged. Or even not being dumped, I would settle for that.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
    “I don’t give a fuck how you expect me to dress”
    It involves a lot of t shirts, sneakers, tights, and skirts.
32. What kept you sane?
    Twitter
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    Severus Snape. lol.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
    Religion in government, homophobia in society. The usual stuff.
35. Who did you miss?
    My mum. And I’ve missed Sol for a couple of days now.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
    I can’t just choose one! Everyone from twitter I now see regularly. You have made the last few months amazing – Jo, Stacey, Laura, Amie, Lisa.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009
    No matter how much love someone they can still be an absolute dickhead and abandon you right when you really need them.
    Or how about – you don’t have to work in a job you hate.
    Or maybe – good friends are worth their weight in gold.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
    “If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it”

If I haven’t mentioned you by name it’s not that I don’t love and appreciate you, it’s that I have a pretty terrible memory unless things are written down. If you’re reading this I love you too!

First up is my roller derby outfit! New Zealand had its first intercity bout on Saturday and it was with our 2 most rival cities – Auckland and Wellington. The extra few years practice Auckland has on us were very evident as they whooped our ass 174 to 88! Not once did the crowd become discouraged though, we screamed our lungs out in support till the very end. It was SO great.

Welly’s colours are orange and purple so I wore every piece of orange clothing I own – a tie that came free with a shirt, a corduroy skirt from when I was at high school, and socks. I made my bow at Jo’s fascinator/banner making session the day before, it’s stuffed with paper, that’s how I roll.

I totally guessed how to tie my tie and got it right first time! Stoked.

My usual staples – a tee, skirt, sneakers. But this time it’s minus the leggings! Behold the glorious whiteness of my legs.
The grin is courtesy of free rum cocktails.
If you look closely you should be able to see that my t shirt features a punk version of Bambi. She’s very cool.